| still unclean...still a libertine |
[05 Jul 2007|04:56am] |
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"Without You I'm Nothing" - Placebo |
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so life has given me all it's got. throw me my love coming back to me. i'll catch it. throw me that love wanting nothing to do with me...like hines catching the pass in superbowl 40, i got that shit. touchdown laurie maxwell. you firmly won the battle and the war over jd rau. you fought so hard to get rid of me, and you finally won. so now what, right? well i mean, the album that you said would never go anywhere, that i'd never even finish, is completed. it's just a matter of getting tripping the light fantastic together and playing the songs, and playing shows. then we get together with gino and make everything sound all nice and pretty. you never believed in me. nobody ever did. hell, 95% of the time i never even believed in me. but it's about time that i did. because at this point, if nobody else is going to believe in me, i had damn well better believe in myself. cuz of course, once i lose myself, what the fuck do i have? me, aj, dean, karl...we're going to take over the world. it's about time i realize that. it's about time i stopped letting you dominate my self-opinion. you always looked down on me. you always thought less of me. you always felt i was worthless. so now, i escape your negativity. your bullshit. all of that "realistic" bullshit you tried to feed to me. live in your little corporate sponsored-yet-still-animal-friendly world. live in a world where commercials make the business for which you work better. i'll go on living the dream i've always sought. playing music, and letting others hear it and decide if they like it. no advertisements. no commercials. no bullshit. this is tripping the light fantastic. this is jack rau, anthony harding, dean bursic, and whomever else plays in said band. this is our collective dream. we will reach the world through our sound, not through the fact that we happened to have a fucking internship. there is no internship in the music world. there is only success and failure.
for the light.
there will be only success.
we will trip that light.
it will be fantastic.
we will trip the light fantastic. we will be TRIPPING THE LIGHT FANTASTIC. we will not be stopped. we will do everything that we have ever wanted. we will play our music and live our lives forever, the way that we want. you won't stop us. nobody will stop us.
tripping the light fantastic will live forever.
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| the time has come |
[01 Jul 2007|02:55pm] |
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"Take the Long Road and Walk It" - The Music |
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i can't believe it. i thought i'd never be able to write ONE song. now, the album is finished. eleven songs. one hour of music. world domination is forthcoming...
possibly...
i hope...
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| wow |
[18 Jun 2007|04:36am] |
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the rough edit of the guitar track for track 5 - tripping the light fantastic |
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i've now written seven songs in the past month. for so long i felt like i could never write music. now i have enough material to play a show. fucking ridiculous. i'm really happy. by this time next month i hope to be playing out. awesome.
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| i'm unclean, a libertine |
[17 Apr 2007|01:17am] |
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"Without You I'm Nothing" - Placebo |
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so i was looking at my entries and saw this survey, so i figured i'd comment on the predictions i made about this year, and how they're coming along...
IN 2007:
1. Will you be looking for a new job? i'm still a musician, so no
my mom is making me, so yeah, i'll be doing that
2. Will you be looking for a new relationship? fuck no...i need a break
still feeling the same way about this
3. New house? i'll have a new one in the fall
yup
4. What will you do different in 07? go 900% into music to make it work
sorta doing this, although mother courage has cut into my time ridiculously
5. New Years resolution? none
6. What will you not be doing in 07? playing music
i dunno why i said this...maybe i didn't see the "not" cuz i'm retarded
7. Any trips planned? none as of yet
ocean city, bonnaroo, and lollapalooza are in the works
8. Wedding plans? no way
9. Major thing on your calendar? none
the things i mentioned before
10. What can't you wait for? playing live shows, being with people i love
11. What would you like to see happen differently? me being happy
not happening AT ALL so far
12. What about yourself will you be changing? my level of happiness
i wasn't wrong. i've become a LOT less happy
13. What happened in 06 that you didn't think would ever happen? the lack of music, the many hook-ups
14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about? i hope so
15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 06? fuck no
16. Will you start or quit drinking? i'll be 21, and capable of buying my own alcohol, so there's a slight chance i'll drink more than before
if by a slight chance i'll drink more, you mean i've more than doubled my alcohol intake from last semester, then yes
17. Will you better your relationship with your family? i already love my family
18. Will you do charity work? yup
19. Will you go to bars? probably
yes, i do...often
20. Will you be nice to people you don't know? i'm always nice to people i don't know
21. Do you expect 07 to be a good year for you? i hope so
i was wrong
22. How much did you change from this time last year till now? i dunno if i really did
23. Do you plan on having a child? i REALLY hope not
24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now? definitely, with even more friends to come
25. Major lifestyle changes? more music
26. Will you be moving? yeah, but still within state college
possibly to the other side of the country
27. What will you make sure doesn't happen in 07 that happened in 06? depression
i am failing this in grand fashion
29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight? i hope so, cuz i never have before
30. One wish for 07? music...to finally get close to making it in that realm
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| for years i've drifted |
[26 Mar 2007|05:18am] |
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"Storm" - Godspeed You Black Emperor! |
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haven't touched this journal in a minute. figured i may as well, no? it's past five in the morning. my sleep schedule is ruined. i live slowly and in short bursts inside of my music anymore. beyond that, nothing. my feelings, my emotions, all of it is broken somehow. granted they sort of were that way all along. kind of like rocco deluca says: "don't fix me cuz i'm broken, i was that way from the start" i'm sick or people trying to, or worse, feeling obligated to fix me. people need to take care of themselves. i'll more than likely live. who cares if i "get through this" or "get better"? what is "better" anyway? my mood, my feelings, my emotions, they shouldn't be quantifiable commodities to other people. i kinda want to hide for a while. lay in bed with my guitar and pretend nothing exists for a week. instead i have the classes, the obligations, the daily repetitions to go through. wake up. class. rehearsal. sleep. i lather. i rinse. i repeat. the exhaustion with all of the lathering, rinsing, and repeating makes me unsurprised about cutting my hair. unsurprised of change. the fact that music now won't stop coming out of me. i write, i don't even know about what. from what. for what. it just happens. it's because i want out, if there's any reason. my very soul knows that it's time to leave. to put a shirt, a pair of pants, and socks in my car. my guitars. my amp. drive. don't look back. don't even wonder about the location. just somewhere different. somewhere that i can pick up this hunk of wood and metal, and open my mouth to the mic and make some sort of a sound. somewhere that people will appreciate it. i can do what i've wanted all of my life, more focused since the age of twelve. i can do this. i just can't do it here. not pennsylvania. not pittsburgh. not state college. somewhere far away with new experiences and new sights, sounds, smells, touches. somewhere that all of my senses become so high that i never take my hands off of my guitar or close my loud, quasi-musical mouth. an experience of expression that can only come from no longer being tired. this place does tire me greatly. all the same. all the time. there's no more experiences here. a change. the past two summers i spent much time in places other than home. new experiences. they kept me sane. then school comes, and state college was a new experience for a hot minute. now what? i find myself wanting out. wanting to finish out my obligation to goddamn mother courage, then get in my car with my instruments and my change of clothes and be done with it. graduating is not necessary, nor is it important to me. living. that's what's important. playing music. experiencing. seeing everything my little eyes can take in. for now, though, i can't have it. not yet, anyway. soon. i pray to whatever might be floating around somewhere that it is soon. til then i suppose i go on living only in short, pointed, unusual little bursts inside of my music. going outside and letting everyone see me, and they think i'm alive. but i'm not. i'm simply there to do what has to be done until i can get back to my room and live again, if only for a minute. soon, though. soon. soon i live all of the time. soon i live forever.
jd out
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| before you swim, you've gotta be ok to sink |
[05 Jan 2007|04:03am] |
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"Earth To Bella (Part I)" - Incubus |
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1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before? drank and entire bottle of alcohol, hooked up with someone older than me, hooked up with another person older than me, , hooked up with ANOTHER person older than me...ok, so i've hooked up with four seniors this year, it's ridiculous...developed a rather serious drinking problem, played an acoustic show by myself, hooked up with someone that i said i'd never hook up with, did so with more than one person i thought i'd never hook up with, pirated music, pirated video games, began smoking more than i said i ever would, lived somewhere other than cheswick, got staples in my head, had a long-lasting relationship, got cast in a rather major production, had a role in a movie (granted, it was a student film, and it was awful...no actor, no matter how amazing, could've made this dialogue good), um...let's see...wore high heels, ran around at parties without a shirt, went to class high, got drunk before a final, failed a college course, bought condoms (yeah, i had never bought them before this year), paid for alcohol, went salsa dancing, took a ballroom dance class, fell in love harder than i ever have before, got dreadlocks...ok, i know there's more, but i'll stop here
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? not sure i made a resolution last year, and i don't know that i made one this year
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? i don't think so
4. Did anyone close to you die? howie's father, travis...
5. What countries did you visit? none
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? self esteem, confidence, a band, a record contract, success, money, a lack of depression
7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? may 26, july 3, october 25-28 for many reasons
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? rocky horror
9. What was your biggest failure? laurie and calculus
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? depression and alcoholism
11. What was the best thing you bought? alcohol
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? laurie's at times, carly for helping me, elizabeth for sticking around as my friend despite me being a dick, a.j. for being my brother
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and/or depressed? my own
14. Where did most of your money go? alcohol
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? rocky horror
16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2006? radiohead's ok computer album, donavon frankenreiter's move by yourself album, john mayer trio's try! album, stuff from rocky horror, the song "storm" by godspeed you black emperor!, incubus's light grenades album...a lot of stuff
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? probably about the same
ii. thinner or fatter? thinner i think? about the same
iii. richer or poorer? richer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? music
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? drinking
20. How did you spending Christmas? with my family
21. What have you learned about yourself in 2006? i suck at life...but i guess i knew that already
22. Did you fall in love in 2006? certainly
23. How many one-night stands? i'd say one, but a one-night stand entails sex, and we didn't have sex
24. What was your favorite TV program? i hate tv
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? nope
26. What was the best book you read? the book i read on zen buddhism
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? godspeed
28. What did you want and get? love, some other stuff
29. What did you want and not get? happiness
30. What was your favorite film of this year? the pursuit of happyness
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i played football and had a night of sexual activity with my then-girlfriend
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? music
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? unique, as always
34. What kept you sane? music
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? nah
36. What political issue stirred you the most? the same as always...the shit in africa/other poor countries
38. Who was the best new person you met? a.j., laurie, carly, yamil, rich, holly, hobbes, alyssa, kathleen, alex jones, so many people at penn state
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006: i dunno
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: some people fall in love and touch the stars, some people fall in love and find quicksand, i hover somewhere in between, i swear, i can't make up my mind
PLACES:
1) PLACE YOU HUNG OUT THE MOST IN THIS YEAR: new castle, center, my apartment, 714
2) FAVORITE NEW PLACE YOU DISCOVERED: 714
3) PLACES YOU WENT ON DATES: the quiet storm, alladin's
4) FAVORITE VACATION SPOT FOR THE YEAR: didn't go on vacation
5) PLACES YOU MADE OUT IN (OR MORE) THIS YEAR: i honestly made out just about everywhere...cars, houses (in every possible room), dorms, various places on various campuses, outside, the mountains...everywhere
PEOPLE:
1) PERSON WHO TAUGHT YOU ALOT THIS YEAR: laurie, elizabeth, a few others
2) AN OLD FRIEND YOU REDISCOVERED THIS YEAR: ana
3) PERSON WHO TOLD YOU THE NICEST THING ABOUT YOURSELF: brandon, carly, laurie, a.j., rich, yamil
4) PERSON WHO DID SOMETHING REALLY GREAT FOR YOU (AND WHAT): a few
5) PERSON YOU SPENT THE MOST TIME WITH THIS YEAR: laurie
6) PERSON YOU DID SOMETHING REALLY GREAT FOR (AND WHAT): laurie
7) SOMEONE YOU WISHED YOU TALKED TO THIS YEAR: alex brown
8) SOMEONE WHOM YOU STARTED A GREAT NEW FRIENDSHIP WITH THIS YEAR: a.j., laurie, yamil, rich, kathleen, carly, hobbes
9) OLD ENEMY/S YOU MADE PEACE WITH THIS YEAR: i don't have enemis
10) SOMEONE YOU LOST THIS YEAR: sorta laurie, travis...
11) PERSON/S YOU KISSED THIS YEAR: many
12) PERSON WHO MADE YOU LAUGH THE MOST: haha, probably hobbes or carly
13) PERSON WHO MADE YOU CRY: laurie
14) PERSON YOU USED TO LIKE, THEN DISLIKED WHEN THE YEAR BEGAN BUT ENDED UP BECOMING GOOD FRIENDS WITH: no one
15) PERSON YOU CRUSHED ON THE ENTIRE YEAR: no one
16) SOMEONE YOU WISHED YOU APOLOGIZED TO: laurie, elizabeth
17) PEOPLE YOU WENT OUT ON DATES WITH: laurie
18) FRIENDS YOU WENT OUT WITH ALOT: way too many to list
19) COOLEST PERSON YOU MET THIS YEAR: oh man, so many cool people
STUFF:
1) CLOTHING ITEM YOU WORE THE MOST THIS YEAR: my low rise, slim fit jeans from h&m
2) NICEST PRESENT YOU GOT THIS YEAR: my ipod
3) FAVORITE SONG FOR THE YEAR: "subterannean homesick alien" by radiohead
4) COOLEST EVENT OF THE YEAR: cursive show, last piano war show, cedar point, going to main campus, rocky horror
5) NEW HOBBY YOU PICKED UP THIS YEAR: drinking
6) BEST BOOK OF THE YEAR: the zen buddhism book
7) BEST MOVIE: the pursuit of happyness
8) MOST SHOCKING NEWS HEADLINE OF THE YEAR: i dunno
9) FAVORITE FOOD FOR THE YEAR: anything from java green in d.c.
10) FAVORITE NEW ARTIST THAT CAME OUT THIS YEAR: WOLFMOTHER!
LESSONS:
1) WISEST THING YOU DID THIS YEAR: i dunno that i did anything wise
2)STUPIDEST THING YOU DID THIS YEAR: tried to kill myself
3) BIGGEST CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE THIS YEAR: main campus
4) BIGGEST CHALLENGE OF THE YEAR: the laurie situation, my drinking problem, my depression
5) SOMETHING YOU LEARNED THE HARD WAY: i suck at life
6) GREATEST LESSON YOU LEARNED THIS YEAR ABOUT LIFE: that i suck at it
7) BEST JOKE YOU'VE HEARD ALL YEAR: i dunno
8) BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE YEAR: laurie
9) BIGGEST BLESSING OF THE YEAR: a.j., laurie, carly
10) BIGGEST THING YOU DISCOVERED ABOUT THE WORLD: that it can be cool
11) BIGGEST THING YOU DISCOVERED ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL: they can be awesome when you give them a chance
IN 2007:
1. Will you be looking for a new job? i'm still a musician, so no
2. Will you be looking for a new relationship? fuck no...i need a break
3. New house? i'll have a new one in the fall
4. What will you do different in 07? go 900% into music to make it work
5. New Years resolution? none
6. What will you not be doing in 07? playing music
7. Any trips planned? none as of yet
8. Wedding plans? no way
9. Major thing on your calendar? none
10. What can't you wait for? playing live shows, being with people i love
11. What would you like to see happen differently? me being happy
12. What about yourself will you be changing? my level of happiness
13. What happened in 06 that you didn't think would ever happen? the lack of music, the many hook-ups
14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about? i hope so
15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 06? fuck no
16. Will you start or quit drinking? i'll be 21, and capable of buying my own alcohol, so there's a slight chance i'll drink more than before
17. Will you better your relationship with your family? i already love my family
18. Will you do charity work? yup
19. Will you go to bars? probably
20. Will you be nice to people you don't know? i'm always nice to people i don't know
21. Do you expect 07 to be a good year for you? i hope so
22. How much did you change from this time last year till now? i dunno if i really did
23. Do you plan on having a child? i REALLY hope not
24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now? definitely, with even more friends to come
25. Major lifestyle changes? more music
26. Will you be moving? yeah, but still within state college
27. What will you make sure doesn't happen in 07 that happened in 06? depression
29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight? i hope so, cuz i never have before
30. One wish for 07? music...to finally get close to making it in that realm
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| i should rest here for a while |
[11 Dec 2006|08:13pm] |
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"Silence" (acoustic) - The Tea Party |
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ok, so now that i got the emo-ness out of my system. this weekend was fucking incredible. i had so much fun and so many good times with so many amazing people, that i can't help but feel still drunk off of the happiness. on top of that, it's really been shown to me through the finding and returning of my wallet, which i lost, with nothing being taken out of it, by a complete stranger, truly proves that there are good people in the world. fuckin' a. it's good to be alive.
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